Lollapalooza Out, Carbapalooza In

LOS ANGELES, CA -- The waning music festival Lollapalooza, founded in 1991 by Jane's Addiction leadman Perry Farrell, finally ran out of steam this week as organizers cancelled the entire upcoming summer concert season. Weak ticket sales were cited as the reason for calling off the event.

On the official Lollapalooza website, Farrell posted a message to fans:

"You can imagine the dismay I share at this moment with the artists and musicians who were looking forward to the tour. Lollapalooza could no longer see fit to continue this year. Our plight is a true indication of the general health of the touring industry and it is across musical genres. Unexhausted is our virtue. We are taking Lollapalooza back and plan on rebuilding and recreating the festival in surroundings more conducive to the cultural experience we've become known for."

But all is not lost for those looking for a summer festival destination. Supporters of the Atkins Diet are organizing a replacement for Lollapalooza to be called "Carbapalooza." A hybrid music festival and food fare, Carbapalooza will offer visitors the opportunity to enjoy a wide range of eclectic music while feasting upon the largest low-card spread the world has ever seen.

"I've been waiting for something like this for two summers now," exclaimed Pam Garland, a devoted Atkins practitioner and equally avid fan of the alternative music scene. "I feel like I've died and gone to low-carb heaven."

The preliminary schedule looks to include a great selection of treats for mouth and ears:

Food: Day 1 (July 24, 2004)
Ham and Eggs—Carbs: 2 grams
No Bowl Taco Salad—Carbs: 4 grams
Grilled Salmon Burgers—Carbs: 2 grams

Music: Day 1
The Flaming Hips
The String Cheese Incident
(No) Wheat

Food: Day 2 (July 25, 2004)
Smoky BBQ Chicken— Carbs: 1 gram
Crustless Pizza Margherita—Carbs: 8 grams
Crustless Quiche—Carbs: 7 grams

Music: Day 2
The Non Carbies
Anti-Pasta
Broken Diet Scene

Tickets for the two-day event to be held in San Diego will go on sale in late June.




Zodiac Zone:
Your Personal Horoscope

Aquarius
You've lived your whole life with a sensitivity to pollen, and with the start of summer the flowers have got your number. An upcoming trip to the botanical gardens is ill advised, but you didn't need the llama to tell you that.

Pisces
Your new membership in Greenpeace may be just what you've been needing to jump start your love life. Those long trips to sea with fellow protestors means that even the most discriminating ladies may break under the pressure of loneliness.

Aries
It looks like for once you picked the right agent as you land that first big commercial gig with Dodge. You've always known that Dodge trucks are ram tough, but you've never really appreciated that fact until now.

Taurus
You've made an art of spinning colorful yarns that impress your friends and make you the life of the party. But when a dark stranger enters the picture this month and tells you to cut the bull, you may find that your social life takes an unxpected turn.

Gemini
You did it! You're finally 18 and the world is your oyster. The fact that you are allergic to shellfish puts a bit of a damper on the celebration, but not as much as that eating disorder that you've just been diagnosed with. Things will be looking up for you in the near future though, as you realize that there are better ways to stay thin. Financial matters will be on the upswing as well.

Cancer
A lot of people say that you annoy the hell out of them while others say that you are more of a persistent nag. Either way, you'll set out to change those perceptions in the weeks to come as you finally enroll in some social etiquette classes.

by Madame Gertrude and
her Psychic Llama

Leo
All that meat-eating was beginning to take its toll on your health, so it was lucky for you that Centrum released the new Carb Assist vitamins just before your body went into shock. Now this summer is looking like it may be the best time of your life.

Virgo
Your dreams have suffered some significant blows recently as your aspirations of marrying Star Jones and being the first civilian to fly into space in a craft of your own design are both off the table. But cheer up friend, there are still many more unachievable goals for you to pursue, like finding meaningful advice in this column!

Libra
The fact that your fingernails have been slowing falling off for some time has had you quite worried. And when it began happening to your toenails as well, you started to panic. We'd like to tell you that everything will be OK, but we really have no idea. "Try again later," says the llama... and also... "go see the doctor!"

Scorpio
Big events are in store for you as we get some astrological motion. Venus enters the fourth house of Andromeda signifying the start of lame summer reruns. The good news is that there will be fresh programming for you to enjoy this summer. The bad news is that it's all worse than reruns.

Sagittarius
PETA is rather upset about your new reality dating show pitch featuring humans and bears, "For Love or Honey." You might want to watch your back as the llama sees signs of retaliation in your future.

Capricorn
As usual, the psychic llama just fell asleep after a big meal and a few too many glasses of wine. We'll make him write yours first next time.

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Issue 4

Lollapalooza Out, Carbapalooza In
The waning music festival Lollapalooza, founded in 1991 by Jane's Addiction leadman Perry Farrell, finally ran out of steam this week as organizers cancelled the entire upcoming summer concert season. :: View full story.

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